I had specific ideas about farm life prior to moving here. While I expected some things like bad smells and lots of cuddles (In my head I’m living in a Disney-like place where all the animals wear bows and are never dirty and birds sing just for me). What I wasn’t prepared for was the shear amount of sex.
Sorry to disappoint you but none of the sex has anything to do with me. I’m more like a retired racehorse put out to pasture – alone.
It’s common to think sex occurs in springtime but the truth is, it’s year-round. Depending on the species, animal sex can be noisy, downright obscene and they don’t care who sees.
When the goats are in season they are particularly dirty. My buck (intact, male goat) wreaks to high heaven. I can smell him before I see him. Did you know bucks pee in their own mouths to attract the does? MMMmm…gross. The bucks even stick their tongues into the pee stream of urinating does. Valentino’s face is crusty with dried urine during rut. I guess it’s a good look for him.
You know those goat videos and commercials that feature bucks screaming and wagging their tongues at the camera? That’s real. Valentino only does this during rut but it’s hard for me to watch. My sweet, well-mannered boy becomes a sex machine and I can barely deal with him. Fortunately, rut tends to be short lived here. After rut his smell is still noticeable but nowhere near as pungent.
I’m not sure what’s most disturbing about goat sex. All the courting rituals or the sex itself. Goats have penis’s like pencils with a hook at the end. The actual act lasts about 2 seconds then the buck throws his head back in ecstasy and disengages appearing very satisfied with himself. I don’t know why the does give him the time of day.
Usually animal sex is preceded by courting. There’s lots of dancing involved with bird sex. Roosters lure the girls in with offers of food then dance around them. Some girls love time with their man, others it’s a lot like rape. The girls who don’t like roosters tend to stay away and won’t go into the coop at night.
Geese have a beautiful water dance with haunting sounds. My geese have a pond so fortunately I don’t have to witness the actual act. I just get to enjoy the water dance.
Turkeys have the most awkward sex. The hen will crouch on the ground while the male dances around her before finally standing on her back. Weird. After standing on her back and making every effort not to slip off they attempt to balance while the female lifts her tail. It’s a quick act but painful to see.
Turkey sex side note: turkeys have “beards” which are a small bunch of wire hair whiskers protruding from the males chest. I just call it their chest hair. Hens seem to really love this hair. The hens will actually grab it, pull on it, put their face in it and even motorboat it (that’s my girls!). The toms seem to enjoy this attention and puff their chests out as much as they can.
Ducks. Ducks are the rabbits of the waterfowl world. My males ducks (drakes) drove every female crazy. Drakes have obnoxiously large private parts and they often have the attitude to back it up. They do it on land, in the water, everywhere. Drakes can be the more aggressive boys I’ve had here. I’ve had male ducks attempt to mate with my full grown geese and even goats. I think I have a video somewhere of one of my does fighting off a romantic minded drake who wouldn’t take NO for an answer. Ducks are great but I no longer have any.
Friends of mine have giant tortoises at their farm. Every time I visit them there’s slow motion tortoise sex happening. They even grunt in slow motion. Ever seen turtle porn?
Now you have. You’re welcome.