Writing this one hurts.
I’ve been living the farm lifestyle for over seven years now. One thing I’ve never been prepared for is the sheer amount of loss. I suppose when you have a life with animals, who have much shorter life spans, loss is inevitable.
While there’s no way to prepare for loss most of the time, I was well aware this one was imminent. Stupidly, I thought I would be ready.
I got Kahuna after the loss of my first baby. Not that an animal can replace the loss of a child, but in many ways, he did. He provided a place to give my love. And with each additional loss he was always there. Every year that ticked by marked the age of my first child, who also would have been almost seventeen.
I always thought I was alone until the day he passed. Despite having my farm family outside, it’s not the same as my “ride or die” inside who was always there, always present through every one of life’s ups and downs. He was one of my last ties to my previous city life. Now, life is even more solitary.
I’d be lying if I didn’t say there’s been freedom in this loss as well. Living with a geriatric dog, I realize now, was difficult on many levels. Watching his body fail, mostly over the last six months, was brutal emotionally and even physically. As he lost his independence, I lost mine. It didn’t feel like a sacrifice at the time but now I see the toll it took. His special needs took over my life and home. So, he wouldn’t fall off the bed I had to barricade him in each night. Each day I served as doctor several times a day, tending to his various ailments with special foods, herbs and meds. He could no longer use the steps to go outside, so I carried him everywhere.
He went through a stage of being unable to walk but I was hugely successful at getting him off steroids with the help of an awesome product called Nzymes. I wish I would have known of their products years ago. (While they deserve a huge testimonial for this, I wasn’t paid nor did I receive anything for my support – but their products have been life changing) I actually attribute the steroids for much of Kahuna’s rapid deterioration, as well as his eyesight failure. At least, with the Nzymes his last couple months were steroid-free and his mobility was incredible for a sixteen and a half year old dog with spinal issues – which were nearly gone at the time of his death.
People kept telling me “You’ll know when it’s time. They find a way to tell you.” Generally, with the farm animals, I’ve learned to see it in their eyes but with Kahuna, I wasn’t sure I trusted myself to listen to him. The night before his death I told him if he was ready to go I’d understand.
Three nights after his death I had a vivid dream. I returned home one evening to find my house completely engulfed in flames, Kahuna was inside. I couldn’t find a way in, the heat and flames were too much. Once the flames subsided and the house was burned to the ground. Only the front steps remained in the charred mess. I walked up the steps and as I walked through where the front door had been my house appeared completely intact, no trace of fire. Kahuna happily ran to me, greeting me as he always had. But this time, he wasn’t alone. A chubby white dog came with him. It was Millie, my step father’s beloved dog who Kahuna grew up with and loved dearly. Millie had passed a couple years prior. In that moment I knew I was dreaming and that both dogs were fine. Somehow knowing he’s free of his ailing body doesn’t make the silence I come home to any easier.
