I’m writing this on the eve of the day the article about me goes live on Cosmopolitan.com. My arm is tired from milking Gemma Jane. Milking her is a one-armed workout and it usually takes a couple of weeks to get back into milking condition.
Gemma is mostly well behaved on the milk stand despite being new to it. She dances around a little then settles in to quietly eat her meal. The cats wait impatiently for their share of the milk. Occasionally one will get overly excited and put their paw on my leg as encouragement to keep going.
Almost every time I get fresh milk on my hands. It’s become one of my favorite farm scents and it leaves my hands softer – sort of like the old ad for Palmolive dish soap but without the chemical smell.
When Cosmo first contacted me I thought it was a joke. After speaking to an editor I realized they were serious. Even after buying a magazine and pouring over their website I couldn’t really get why they were interested in my story. After the past months of following them, and being in touch with several of their staff, I get it now. They truly promote women and owning our power – without being anti men. There’s no part of me that’s anti men and I certainly don’t want to be portrayed that way.
I have no idea how they will tell my story. According to a friend of mine people are always telling other people’s stories and we never have control over what they say. There’s a lot of truth to that.
This process has given me time to reflect on why I did what I did. The truth is, I had given myself to everyone and everything in my life until I no longer knew who I was or what I wanted. At 38, I was tired. Tired of looking for satisfaction and life in everyone and everything else. I was doing things backwards, looking to be rescued and understood without understanding myself first.
Since moving to the country I’ve been extremely good at being reclusive. Days, sometimes weeks go by and I don’t see people. At first I needed the quiet. I needed time to figure out what was going on with me and needed the space to allow myself to learn a completely new way of life. I also needed space to mourn a lifetime of lost dreams, my babies and relationships. Some people are lucky enough to be rescued but I knew I wasn’t one of them. I knew I had to repair my own damage.
Putting myself out there in the most public way isn’t easy. I don’t like pictures or videos of myself and yet I invited strangers into my home and gave them complete access to me. I’m sure there will be an edge to it since it’s Cosmo but please know that allowing this access has taken an extraordinary amount of courage and faith, even for me. Opening oneself up to judgment and showing your heart and soul is tough but I guess we’ll see how this goes.
At least now people will know #WhyIQuit my previous life.