The dumbest thing happened to me this weekend.
It was a beautiful day outside. I had every door and window with a screen open to the 70 degree breeze. You have to have screens in the country because of all the flying bugs. Adding a screen door to the front of the house is one of the best investments I’ve made. I’ve love my screen door. It’s not a fancy door, in fact it’s cheap Home Depot crap but I love how it creaks open and slams shut. I love the little bit of character it gives my drab house but mostly I love that it allows the fresh air inside and I can easily hear the animals going about their day with the door open…usually.
I was minding my own business, enjoying the breeze and making lunch when I looked up to see my buck, Valentino, standing in the living room – on my white carpet – as if he does this on a regular basis. He was perfectly relaxed chewing cud, staring at me. I’m not sure how long he had been there.
I knew I couldn’t alert my little inside dog, Kahuna, that there was a goat in the house. He hates the goats and the feeling is mutual. Fortunately, Kahuna has lunch when I do and was too busy eating to notice the buck violating his personal space.
I knew I only had a few seconds to escort my wayward buck outside before all hell would break loose. Bucks are pure muscle and can cause a tremendous amount of damage on a regular day but add a small dog and panic and I’d be calling my insurance agent…act of God?
It was at this point I realized I needed a picture or no one would believe this. So as Valentino made his way back to the front door I got this grainy picture below.
Taking the extra couple of seconds to capture this crappy image was a mistake. Still attempting to quietly get my buck back outside I casually walked over and grabbed onto his collar. As I’m about to open the screen door to let him out Kahuna walks around the corner to find his arch enemy is in the house and with HIS mommy no less. It’s at this point my life flashed before my eyes.
Picture, if you will, an old Hollywood western where someone gets thrown through a door or window…
My life switched into slow motion as I watched Kahuna’s expression quickly change from shock to determination. At the sight of 7 pound Kahuna barreling towards him, Valentino reared up and launched himself through the screen door with the power of the space shuttle – with me attached to him. I was on a goat rocket being thrown out of my own house, through my screen door and down the brick steps. I thought to myself “This is how it ends.” “How will anyone know I didn’t throw myself through my own front door?” “I’ll be one of those people who wins a Darwin award for dumbest death.”
I’m guilty of being one of those people who watches a funny video where someone could easily just LET GO of the object of their torture. I can even recall yelling at the TV “JUST LET GO!” There are so many scenarios where we can let go and our hands are latched defiantly to our doom. I don’t know why my hand didn’t let go of his collar. Maybe it was purely for your entertainment.
I landed hard on the back of my head, sprawled out on my back. Every limb hurt and my ribs bruised from hitting the brick stairs. Rocketing through a door is unpleasant. I looked up at Valentino – my hand still grasping his collar as blood ran down my finger. He was wide-eyed and breathing heavily but thankfully he stopped and didn’t keep dragging me behind him. I looked into the house to see Kahuna with a satisfied expression, not at all concerned at my awkward position and destroyed door. He won that round against the buck and that’s all that mattered.
I slowly assessed the damage to my body. Even with all my scrapes and bruises I made it through the ordeal better than my beloved screen door. It’s hard to tell from this picture, but it’s toast. The wood is splintered in several places and can’t be fixed. Time for a new door. Too bad they don’t make buck-proof screens.
Life with a buck isn’t always easy. I wonder how many people this has happened to in the history of happenings. Either way, it’s one of the dumbest things to happen to me on the farm. xo